Life
About two months ago, we brought you DEEPLY TROUBLING NEWS that a tree across the street from Latin American Club was viciously murdered by an alleged puppy kicker and kitten killer. Well, as you can see, the tree has been replanted and no molestation will go unpunished.
Previously on Uptown Almanac
Letter from my neighbor:
Hey guys-
My response:
Hey Bros,
Thanks for the letter! I've always wanted a pen pal. I just wanted to come right out and say it, I'm a person. I saw that you requested I stop walking on my heels, but because of evolution, I'm afraid that's the only way I know how to walk. For your convenience I'm including a list of animals that don't walk on their heels. I'll even draw a chart to scale for you.
Of course, right off of the bat (that's a saying, I don't actually play baseball), I thought of the velociraptor (of Jurassic Park fame). They're a lot like cats, except for the lack of fur, whiskers, cute little purring and their tendency to play with fake mice. Anyway, dogs, mice, scarecrows, real crows, and sharks also do not walk on their heels/cannot walk/do not have feet.
I hope you find this information helpful, and sorry about the chart, but I drew it life-size and I'm afraid this piece of paper only covers the size of a dog's belly.
Regards,
'Guys' <-- I can't believe you already have a nickname for me.
P.S. We're not really "bros" unless we are! Weird. Have you ever seen Star Wars?
Will Skechers Shape-Ups bring Joe Montana out of retirement?I’ve been noticing a growing trend of women clad in sweat pants and Skechers Shape-Ups around the city and I think that someone needs to say something about it. I probably shouldn’t be writing this post as I’ve been saying that I am going to join a gym for, well, 6 months now. But fuck it. This is why people have blogs amirite? So we can be dicks about stuff without any self reflection? Or maybe that’s just why I blog. In either case, August is a slow bloggin’ month for me and Uptown Almanac has become a focal point of guilt/obligation/obsession because of this. So, I think the only cure for this self-imposed guilt is to take a moment to hash out my growing despise for women in Skechers Shape-Ups!
I didn’t really think about the whole Skechers Shape-Ups phenomena until recently when I was dropping off Zach at some liquor store near our friend Clark’s house a few weeks ago. Approaching 23rd and Mission, it hit us. Is there 4realz a Skechers store in the Mission that’s actually still in business? WTF? Seems like that space should be some sort of Toms mega store where trustafarians can purchase ugly footwear by the bulk, and subsequently feel like a saint becuz every horrible Toms fashion choice is a great choice for humanity! Meaning, every pair of Toms shoes purchased means another pair of Toms shoes for some kid in a developing country. Win win, but I’m really digressing from the point here. Point is, why is there a huge Skechers store in the Mission, and why do women wear Shape-Ups?
I get the idea of being lazy and getting fit at the same time, it’s the American dream! But, isn’t there another way to be lazy and get fit that doesn’t offend my eyes? The other day I was in the gallery that I work in when some lady strolled up in her Shape-Ups, decked out in some sort of ensemble with an elastic waste, acrylic nails, and comically accessorized her work-out fit with A BIG GULP acting like she owwwwned the place. THESE are the people wearing Shape-Ups you guys. I approached her, and in the best Dumb and Dumber impression I could possibly muster I said, “big gulps, huh?” and proceeded to ask her about her Shape Ups. “Are they toning your butt and flattening your abs?” The woman, the unsuspecting victim of my boredom just kinda looked at me, said she had a long day, and turned to leave.
Did I offend her and her Big Gulps? Or was she simply trying to prove a point by walking out with her firm ass in my face. IDK, cuz nothing seemed too firm cept the Big Gulp in her hand. But do Shape-Ups really shape you up? The Huffington Post reports that according to the American Council on Exercise, ‘simply no evidence to support the claims that these shoes will help wearers exercise more intensely, burn more calories or improve muscle strength and tone.’ Skechers (and Joe Montana!) disagrees.
Do you have Shape-Ups? Are your eyes offended by Shape-Ups? Do you think that after a year of wearing Shape-Ups, Joe Montana will come out of retirement? Who is buying Skechers in the Mission? If you were going to buy Shape-Ups would you do it in the Mission? If Skechers gave away a free pair of Shape-Ups to kids in developing countries for every pair you purchased would you buy Shape-Ups? Or would that be fucked up because kids in developing countries are already skinny? Want to go get Big Gulps later? Huh?
Earlier today, I stepped outside for a breath of fresh air and my 3rd burrito in 16 hours only to find that someone stole both my neighbor's and my crappy, decaying doormats. Slightly annoyed at the fact I will no longer be able to wipe the dog shit off my kicks onto an ugly print of flowers, I decided to mention my plight to my friend Ben. "Whatever, this is what my buddy has to put up with in the Tendernob."
If you answered 52 seconds, you're just a hair faster than this industry dirtbag:
This amazing, 720p spectacle is brought to us by Blowing It In San Francisco, which after a mere 2 posts has established itself as a fine San Francisco blog. I mean, this is one epic find: it's some dude pissing outside of BENDER'S BAR AND GRILL while cars wiz past and pedestrians stroll by seemingly unaware. During the motherfucking day.
Who said the Mission can't keep it classy?
Previously on Uptown Almanac
In case you haven't noticed yet, the other night, someone dumped a bucket of chalk on Valencia St. so drunks could decorate the sidewalk with wonderful drawings of talking sandwiches, penises, and statements such as "HIPSTERS MUST BE DESTROYED." The real highlight of the temporary mayhem was this list of punk stuff, including wonderful un-punk things like Hot Pockets, Pop Tarts and fartz.
I woke up this morning, looked out the window and exclaimed "what a beautiful morning!" After gazing at the cloudless sky for a moment, my eye descended to street level. "Why is that dude shitting in his hand?"
To smear it on a van, obviously.
Previously on Uptown Almanac
So the other day my friend Kahla showed me this highly comprehensive list of types of bitches that a third grade teacher in Washington, D.C. found on the floor in a hallway of school … and I am LOVING IT. My personal favorites are "got all that mouth but can't step bitches," "bitches that be ignoring you when you know they can hear you" and "uncreative bitches." You can find the whole list here.
This morning Kahla & I were inspired to compile a Types of Bitches list more suited to our immediate social environment. We're calling it Types of Bitches: Mission Edition. With only 25 entries it's just the beginning of the full compilation, so feel free to suggest any bitches we may have missed in the comments.
So far, we have identified:
1) Chrome bag but no bike bitches
2) Resident DJ bitches
3) Selling doilies and owl necklaces on Etsy bitches
4) White bitches who think they're "down" 'cause they listen to Too Short
5) Throwing up in Delirium bitches
6) Toms-wearing smelly feet bitches
7) "Are those skulls?" bitches
8) You just locked the wrong wheel of your bike up bitches
9) Head-to-toe American Apparel bitches
10) Unemployed bitches who think they're artists
11) Flask of Ancient Age in the bar bitches
12) Morrissey tattoo having bitches
13) Moustache party throwing bitches
14) Crush on a bike messenger bitches
15) Trust fund having but pretending to be poor bitches
16) Leather-wearing vegan bitches
17) Thinking they're all that modeling vintage for their friend's eBay store bitches
18) Peacock feather earring bitches
19) Walk of Shame down 24th St. bitches
20) Bitches you can tell were scene kids back in high school
21) Won't stop talking about how much they love Portland bitches
22) Stripping to pay for that postgraduate philosophy degree bitches
23) Bitches fucking that guy you used to fuck
24) Been "26" for the past five years bitches
25) Butchering Salt-n-Pepa songs at 500 Club on Sunday night bitches
What type of bitch are you? Right now I'll admit to being #11 and slightly #14. I was #6 for about two weeks back in the summer of 2007. It wasn't a good look.
kodak play sport spring edit from Terry B on Vimeo.
Be sure to stick around for the guy in the King's jersey outside of the Ferry Building.
Previously on Uptown Almanac
Okay, you've all seen this so I'm sure you already skimmed past it, but in case you're still reading, I'll provide you with some quick tips on how to prepare for Jesus, since, let's face it, you're probably not ready. If this lady is spending her holiday weekend asking if you're ready, then you're really not ready. If you're still reading this, then I know, you're not ready.
Basically one of five scenarios could happen when Jesus comes.
1. Pool Party: Think back to Noah's ark. Now think about that "I'm on a Boat" song. Now throw in like 100 wild animals. THINK OF ALL THE PSEUDO HIPSTER GIRLS THAT WOULD BE ALL OVER THAT. You're so ready. Bring your ironic towel.
2. Apocalypse: Jesus will dim the lights and say "it's about to heat up in here!" Then some crappy drum music will kick in and suddenly it's that dance party that you always talk shit about, but you really want to go to, but no one wants to go with you, so you just sit at home and drink PBR and talk about how American Apparel has really sold out, but you're still wearing their clothes because, dude, you bought it before they sold out, and your parents haven't given you money in a while so you can't buy anything else. But whatever, heat does some cool stuff to lomo film so don't worry about the end of the world, worry about your next Facebook photo album.
3. Super Zombies: Didn't Jesus come back from the dead? Wouldn't this be him coming back from the dead twice? Aren't zombies totally hip and cool right now? This could be the next big iPhone app. Developers, get on this, you could be rich, but the world would also be over, so it's a toss up.
4. Wes Anderson Film: Jason Schwartzman could play Jesus and it'll show Jesus doing his little Jesus daily tasks with the Alec Baldwin voice over: "Jesus Son of God wakes everyday at 6 am to the Beatles 'Good Morning, Good Morning' because his first grade school crush once said "if you don't wake up to a good morning then you'll have a bad life." He makes two eggs, fried, for breakfast but always throws one away. After he showers he brushes his teeth for exactly 15 seconds before spitting. He takes his coat with him to work even when it's hot outside and feels guilty about air conditioning. He spends his evenings looking up drink coasters online with The Weather Channel playing on his TV. He believes cats have a greater meaning, dogs are overrated and electrolytes are complete bullshit."
5. Shower: I mean, Jesus is coming. That could get messy.
I hope you took notes and I'm sorry for number 5, but I mean, how could I not go down that path?
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