Humor

Attn San Francisco: Bill Murray Wants to Crash Your Party

— By Zach Perkins |

Phoenix, AZ is getting ready for their August 1st visit.

According to the 'totes legit' looking SuperOfficialNews.com, Bill Murray is looking to crash random parties in San Francisco on August 8th. In the article, Murray's agent sets the guidelines for participation and is quoted as saying that partygoers must refer to Murray in person as “Kaiser Soze”, and that he will be looking for parties with karaoke and signs outside that say “BILL MURRAY CAN CRASH HERE”. 
 
Yes, this is fake (Murray doesn't have an agent, and the hotline phone number on the flyer is for the Westboro Baptist church), but it will be interesting to see how many idiots in San Francisco will be suckered into throwing karaoke parties that night and putting signs up outside their house.

 

Muni: $80k/yr Not Enough for Man Who Does 6 Jobs

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

This Muni bus driver doesn't think he makes enough, being forced to take on the job of multiple other professionals and what not.  Let's see how much this fella should really be paid:

  1. Driver: There's no terrific data on this (read: easily Bingable), but it seems that $80k/year is the sweet spot for a Muni driver.
  2. Medic: Let's assume he means EMT, and EMTs make $50k/year in NYC, which means they probably make $55k/year plus unlimited time off in SF.
  3. Psychic: Miss Cleo is probably worth a few million, but always gave her first reading away for free.  Let's assume these cancel each other out and he should receive a $30k pay bump for his services.  Board me now for ya free readin'.
  4. Cabbie: This really sketchy salary site that I absolutely don't trust says the average SF cabbie earns $38k, so let's call it $38k.
  5. Shrink: I'm not really sure how this is different than a psychic, besides an education and actual qualifications, but—hey!—let's give him both anyway. $99k/year.  Dang doc!
  6. Cop: The average SFPD officer earned $130k in 2008 (but I don't really think I want to see Muni drivers carrying guns (because they're crazy)).

That brings his grand total to $432,000 a year.  Seems fair, no?

[Photo by Crazy Crab]

Reminder: Stand-Up Comedy and Hella Pabst Tomorrow Night (Tuesday!) At the Roxie!

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

Eight on the Bay Area's best comics and 700+ complimentary cans of PBR's best PBR are on tap for tomorrow night.  And if you don't have your tickets yet, they are still available on the Roxie's site, or you can buy 'em at the door.

See you there!

Previously on Uptown Almanac: 

Stand-up Comedy and Bottomless PBR Returns to the Roxie Next Tuesday!

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

After two slammin' comedy parties at The Roxie last summer, we all thought it would be a good idea to bring back the Locally-Source Pop-Up Comedy Night back to the Roxie for a third round.  And that's exactly what we're doing.  8 of our favorite local comics and 8,640 ounces of cold beer kindly furnished by Pabst Blue Ribbon.

In summary:
Tuesday, June 12th at 8:45 @ The Roxie [3117 16th Street and Valencia]
Tickets [$6.50] are on sale right now (you can try to win a pair over at FunCheap)
GETTING FUCKING DRUNK INCLUDED IN YOUR TICKET PRICE
Here's who'll be up on stage:

  • Joey Devine (Finalist at the Bay Area Laugh Leader Competition, Pandora's “comedy analyst,” self-described heartthrob)
  • Jesse Elias (The Smug Shift, SF Sketchfest, Bridgetown Comedy Festival, member of Everything Jamboree)
  • David Gborie (Bridgetown Comedy Festival, Noise Pop, Indie Fest, SF Punchline)
  • Casey Ley (Bridgetown Comedy Festival, former host of “The Morning Show” on Pirate Cat)
  • Jules Posner (Jokes.com’s No Drink Minimum, SF Sketchfest)
  • Bucky Sinister (Member of “The Business” at The Dark Room, Litquake, The Rumpus's “Warm Bodies, Cold Nights”)
  • Dave Thomason (Aspen Rooftop Comedy Festival, SF Sketchfest, NPR’s “Snap Judgment”, Revision3’s “ROFL”, and Noise Pop)

And Sean Keane (member of The Business, past contributor to McSweeney's and ESPN the Magazine, columnist for the East Bay Express) is back to host!

So remember: next Tuesday at The Roxie. There will be comedy. There will be beer.

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SF-Based MANTANKS Wants to Showcase Your Instagrams on Tank Tops

— By Erika Kali |

With summer quickly approaching, we're sure your inbox is being bombarded with emails about new summer looks, 30% off polo shirt ads and the top 72 “must haves” of the season. But fear not, intrepid shopper, for Mantanks is here to provide you with the perfect summer staple that will definitely never go out of style.

It's pretty easy. You chose an image or two to upload to their site (Instagram preferred, duh!), then select your size, then you're done! Mantanks does free shipping, so it's pretty much the cheapest way to get not only get your sweet Insta-snaps seen, but also your biceps, which you've been working on all Winter. As they say somewhere, “suns out, guns out”, amiright?

But now comes the hard part. Which photos do you use? If you're like me, your Instagram feed is f'ing gold. How does one pick a favorite when all are so amazing? No worries my friend: if you're having issues, I've chosen some of my insta-favorite's for you to chose from, picked from my own super sweet Insta-feed (@erikakali plz follow and heart everything plz plz plz). Take a look: 

Food. Obviously. Everyone just LOVES looking at photos of food you're eating, so why not put it on a tank?

Photos of your feet. So everyone knows where you are/have been. Just make sure to hashtag it #marcmarinoismad. Trust me, it's cooler that way.

That sick bike pile from last weekend. Remember how rad it was that all of you just happened to be at Rheas at 1am? Now everyone can know! Cause it's on your shirt!

Cats. I mean, do I have to explain this?

Mantanks really is the next big thing in summer wear. I've already ordered 70 for all my friends and extended family. Just remember, when wearing your personalized Mantank, remember to live their mantra:

We believe in the laid back weekend, a few Pacificos and the sun on your face. Throw on a tank and you’re flirting with perfection. And, like, all the girls.

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