Fashion

The Mission Needs More Barbers, Apparently

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

I love lines! Lines for a table at brunch, lines for a concert, lines for a booth at the Lusty Lady… they're the best.  But even so, the daily 10:45am iPhone gabfest outside of the Brooklyn chic F.S.C. Barber is just baffling.

In some ways I get it: paying 25 bucks for some “Hangover Relief” (a rose-water-and-eucalyptus-infused shave with a neck and hand massage) sure does sound nice—and picking up the phone and making a reservation is really just another pain in the ass not to be bothered with.  But as I sit here reading Yelp trying to figure out what makes this place so wait-outside-the-door-for-them-to-open awesome, I can't get past the complaints of 3 hour long queues for a beard trimming.

Fuck, as you can see from the picture, one of the guys waiting doesn't even have hair.

What am I missing and is it time for me to hang up this 'career' as a 'blogger' and earn my living by temporarily handicapping dude's sex lives with a pair of pruning shears?

'A Fashion Show Celebrating the Subtle Art of the Wearable Blanket'

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

Someone who's not Clint Eastwood is trying to make ponchos a thing again.  And how?  By hosting a poncho fashion show in Dolores Park this Saturday, complete with celebrity judges and fashion photographers and dudes selling weed and beer:

You love ponchos, we love ponchos. Now at last comes an event to celebrate the single most important item recently acquired into haute couture. Love Me, Love My Poncho is a fashion show for San Francisco and all poncho lovers who appreciate the subtle art of the wearable blanket. The event will take place in the historic Dolores Park at 14:00 hours. Anyone wearing any poncho is welcome to participate. Celebrity judges will be on hand to rate the ponchos on a scale of 1-10 taking into account audience approval or disapproval. Fashion photographers will be in place to snap your moment of poncho fashion fame. The winner will receive a fabulous prize. Following the event, there will be a big queer clothing swap [which you do not need to be queer to participate in].

And the promoter has some reasons to get behind the poncho resurgence:

  1. Feels like you're wearing a blanket without actually wearing a blanket. Great for when you don't want to get out of bed but also don't want to look like a crazy homeless person.
  2. Can be used as a buffer between butt and grass while you drink your 40 in Dolores Park.
  3. May help white people feel like they're embracing “the multicultural element” without having to actually connect with the multicultural element.
  4. Can be used as a table cloth or wearable napkin.

I'm sending my Snuggie to the dry cleaners now!

[Love Me, Love My Poncho] (Thanks Erika!)

Seapunk Washes Up in the Mission

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

It's only been a week since San Francisco became host to the world's first seapunk mural.  Now the blue hairs are already turning up in the Mission's otherwise venerable fashion blogs.  And while this girl isn't sewing her legs together into a flipper shape or tattooing gills on her face, it looks like the Mission has another bona fide subculture to pretend to understand.

(Also worth noting, Kreayshawn just got behind this whole seapunk thing.  Should this go any further, we'll be watching spunkers scuttle around Dolores Park like crabs by summer.)

[Fashionist]

Previously on Uptown Almanac: 

What Your Shoes Say About You

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

Due to my gross apathy towards looking presentable, my feet are generally protected by the tattered remains of what once was a shoe, so I'm not one to talk.  But allow Dexn + Flexn to break this down:

At first I was like “holy shit, super hipster” with his headband and jacket and all.  Then I noticed the shoes and I was like “bro, quit frontin’.”

Yeah, bro.  And stop lookin' at that meat market like you're gunna buy a pound of rotting octopus.

The Mission is Evolving Into a Neighborhood of Well-Groomed Pirates

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

It seems that 2011 saw a notable uptick in people lugging around birds attached to their limbs.  Maybe people are learning avian beasts easier to care for than dogs? Are we all students of 876 Valencia? Perhaps we need just someone marginally dumber than us to talk to?

No matter the reason, I think it's safe to say that holding a White Cockatoo in your hand has replaced a cup of Ritual Roasters as the defining accessory of The Official Mission Uniform.

[Mission Taco by Headline Shirts]

Muni Alligator Man

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

At some point this weekend, a wormhole opened up between the 22 Fillmore and Paul Hogan's wardrobe, spitting out this gold and alligator-encrusted crazy person.

(Thanks Jenny!)

How the Junkie Stole Christmas!

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

We know, theft is nothing new, but I saw this wannabe Jesse Pinkman earlier today pull out about a dozen thieved duds from his pants and hoodie and dump them on Capp Street.  Which itself might not be notable, but after he cleared his pants of new clothes, he pulled a Santa hat out of the ass of his pants and put it on his head before stuffing all the clothes in a shopping bag and making off down the street.

Stay classy!

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