Fashion

Noted Mustachio John Waters Spotted at The Uptown

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

After climbing out of a mid-90s LeBaron limo late last night, “The Pope of Trash” walked into the trashiest bar in the Mission while everyone pretended not to give a shit.  And after “not giving a shit” in hushed tones for a few minutes, everyone returned to their rapidly warming PBRs with the eager reluctance only faked nonchalance can inspire.

Previously on Uptown Almanac: 

The Best Part About the Hunky Jesus Contest is the Crowd

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

Sure, the show on the stage had some real highlights this year, but the overall spectacle always seems to come up short when compared to the drunken pastel sideshow in the crowd.  For example, why wasn't there a Hunky Jesus nailed to a giant cross of Peeps?  Or perhaps a just a giant tanned Peep?  I could really go for a box of Peeps right now…

I digress.

Below, some highlights from the show outside the show:

Far and away my favorite outfit of the day, this guy made an assuredly uncomfortable suit out of stuffed bunnies.  I have no idea if this was inspired by Lady Gaga's frog outfit or not, but he wins style points for creativity, effort, and perseverance, regardless.

It's always nice when San Franciscans can come together and openly mock Jesus in the most stylist of ways.  Do they make this shirt in black?

Where did this guy come from?

The Sisters always manage to bring out the best in people's headwear (and I mean that in all seriousness).

Speaking of headwear, the crowd was so goddamn thick this year that dog owners were left with no choice but you hoist their pups above their heads and carry them.

Until next year…

Previously on Uptown Almanac: 

Rock 'n Roll Jesus Crushes Hunky Jesus Competition

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

Skipping out on yesterday's Hunky Jesus Competition was a mistake because you missed this:

That's right, it's Jesus.  It's Jesus and he's playing a giant cross guitar.  With a flask of whiskey in hand.

As you might imagine, Rock n' Roll Jesus had the competition won before he even plugged his cross into the amp and started jamming.  Hell, I'm pretty sure he had it in the bag before he even set foot in Dolores Park.  But as any one of the 10,000 people in attendance can tell you, he lit up the entire place as soon as his divine fingers hit the strings.

The competition would have been wise to throw down their crosses in defeat right then and there and bow down to their superior, but the contest dragged on without a single suitable challenger emerging from the whole lot of abs and man thongs.  And as the race for second place came to a close, the air of inevitability gave way to triumph as Rock n' Roll Jesus was crowned 2012's Hunky Jesus, proving once and for all that all the gym memberships in the world won't make you as good lookin' as some guitar lessons.

UPDATE: Our friend Ben caught up with Rock n' Roll Jesus backstage (Jesus' La Lengua apartment) for a private demo of the cross guitar:

Previously on Uptown Almanac: 

Until Your Dog Learns How to Ride a Bike, This Timbuk2 Messenger Pack is For You

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

Do you have a bike? And a dog?  And a pair of black socks and blue glasses and no history of back pain?  Then Timbuk2's absolutely 100% totally real new Clifford bag is for you:

Dogs don't *really* like to walk, particularly big ones. Do your pooch a favor and put him in your pack. The Clifford Canine Carrier was designed with big dogs in mind. Its waterproof TPU liner and tether with clip ensure that all the business stays inside while you romp around outside. Core strength, balance, and non-hostile relationship with your dog are recommended for optimal use.

And here it is in action:

Only 120 bucks!

Previously on Uptown Almanac: 

New Youtube Series "American Hipster" Is Coming To Further Commodify Your Lifestyle

— By Alissa |

The trailer for new Youtube series “American Hipster” doesn't really give us much to go on, but at first glance it looks pretty terrible. More than that, it actually looks sort of boring. The series comes to us by way of Seedwell, which launches “viral video” campaigns for totally hipster corporations like Microsoft, Foster Farms and T-Mobile. So, you know, I'm sure they've totally got their finger on the pulse of this unique, creative lifestyle. 

I anticipate a lot of aerial shots of SF, up-close shots of espresso being poured in Four Barrel, girls messing with their bangs and probably some weak analogies comparing hipsters with the beat generation which are bound to make us all cringe. This series serves more to evidence the fact that we're way beyond the point where being a “hipster” has anything to do with fringe or alternative culture. It's just white noise at this point. If you can handle all the tired cliches of flannel and thick-rimed frames, it could be good for an eye-roll or two. 

Previously on Uptown Almanac: 

Haight Street Dinosaur Hasn't Evolved to Pick Up After Itself

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

I don't really go to the Upper Haight unless I want to feel better about myself, so please excuse my ignorance, but does Shoe Biz just roll this dino out every time a gutter punk's dog poops on the sidewalk for the visual gag, or does it really dispense feces?

Anyway, sorry about posting a pic of of a guy wearing a Canadian tuxedo to the blog.  So gross.

[Photo by P.D. Bird]

Previously on Uptown Almanac: 

Round Out Your Canadian Tuxedo With This Stylish MISSION BURRITO Denim Jacket

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

Face it, your body is already 33% sour cream at this point.  Why not just sew your go-to stick of dinner to the back of your brand new jean jacket and wear your food with pride?

[Photo by Aaron Durand | Thanks Bailey!]

Previously on Uptown Almanac: 

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