Downtown

Cool Kid Travels: Eau de Crooklyn?

— By Jenny Wilson |

Last week I was in Brooklyn and stumbled across Bond No. 9's latest scent “Brooklyn.'” The Brooklyn perfume consists of a combination of grapefruit, cardamom, cypress-wood, geranium leaves, juniper berrie, cesarwood, leather and guaiacwood, (wtf is that?)  and for a mere $220 you can actually “smell like” Brooklyn. Don't really know where they came up with this weird ass combo to encapsulate the scent of the “edgy metropolis.” To me Crooklyn smells like wasted youth and decaying bodies but, I guess that really isn't marketable.

If San Francisco's neighborhoods were bottled up into different perfumes, what would these neighborhoods smell like? And what is the price you'd have to pay to smell like them?

Mission: Taco trucks, piss, cheap beer, expensive coffee, trustafarians. Price: One call to your parents to please, please, please let you use daddy's Amex one more time.

Haight: Drum circles, midwestern runaways that didn't get the memo that punk is dead (see: dirt, b.o., and dreadlocks), bong loads, DMT. Price: Panhandle for 48 hrs straight and pray some unwitting tourists feel bad for your 3 dogs.

Marina: The scent of entitlement, hair product, fake tanner, axe body spray, shame, chest bumps! Price: The cost of running for mayor.

Tenderloin: Crack, garbage, meth, cheap blow jobs (see: rotting teeth), poor life decisions. Price: Eagerness to give cheap blow jobs.

Noe Valley: Upwardly mobile snobbery, babies, french bulldogs (read: shit), the new car smell. Price:  Raising 2 kids, paying for private school, a vasectomy

Sunset: Isolation, depression, pseudo suburbia. Price: Moving anywhere else in the city

Castro: Rainbows, unicorns, leather daddy's leather, lube. Price: An evening at Boy Bar.

Chinatown: fish, lost tourists, the dirty 30, dumpsters. Price: Shitting yourself.

North Beach: Pizza! bros, day old strippers. Price: One lap dance.

If you have anymore ideas go ahead and throw them into the comments, and if you want to add anymore neighbs that I didn't cover, i.e. Pac Heights (I'm not sure what rich smells like) go ahead and do it.

Don't Get Caught in a Bad Hotel

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

I know I rallied against Lady Gaga memes earlier, but this is tops.

A flashmob infiltrates the Westin St. Francis hotel in San Francisco and performs an adaptation of Lady Gaga’s song “Bad Romance.” The event was organized to draw attention to a boycott called by the workers of the hotel who are fighting to win a fair contract and affordable healthcare. Lesbian Gay Bisexual Transgender Queer activists put the song and dance together as a creative way to tell the hundreds of thousands of LGBTQ people from all over the country coming to San Francsico in June for Pride to stay out of the boycotted hotels.

(thanks Jackson!)

To THE PLANT Cafe: I Love You

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

See that incredibly terrible photo of an ugly man’s hand holding a beautiful sandwich?  Yeah, that’s THE PLANT Cafe’s “plant burger” and it’s goddamn amazing.  Admittedly, I was skeptical about going there because it required that I leave the Mission and pay more than $6 for food but it was totally worth it.  First off, I learned that the Embarcadero isn’t so bad.  Second, I got to eat the plant burger, which is officially the most addicting drug I’ve ever ingested.  I even went back a few days later to get it again.  DANG.

In other news, they have really good ketchup.

Pet some adorable baby goats tomorrow morning!

— By Jane Parton |

Tomorrow is San Francisco’s first-ever Goat Festival!

From 10am to 1pm at the Ferry Building, you’ll find free samples of delicious goat products (yogurt, cheese, even ice cream!) lectures and cooking demos and, most importantly, a petting zoo full of adorable baby goats. I cannot tell you how psyched I am for this. I mean come on, baby goats are so much more fun than a zipline.

Can Cool Kids Be Teabaggers?

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

“Is that glitter on your beater, bro?”

“Is that glitter on your beater, bro?”

I’m kinda confused if this dude is a cool kid/hipster or just a geezer that beats his daughters.  On one hand, he is rocking a stylish cap, black pants and has a grunge-revival haircut.  On the other hand, he has the skin of a 90-year-old woman.  Wait, is this even a man?

Anyways, I cling to my gun too, but only when I’m at the shooting range in South San Francisco.  I know you think Che Newsom is going to take your gun, but the courts already smacked that down.  So, if you really think you have to cling to your gun, then I recommend that you smoke a little less of that Sith before you walk around the Tenderloin.

(photo by poe.)

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