Being Cool

JORTS: On Demand!

HEY KIDS! Guess what you won't be doing this weekend? That's right, going to Dolores Park!  In case you haven't noticed that it's raining outside because you've been hunkered down in your roommate's walk in closet for the last week clawing at the walls and coming down from last weekend's blocaine binge (BRO, THAT SHIT WAS TOTALLY METH'D OUT. NOT COOL.) I'm here to deliver the painful reminder.

On top of that, I'm here to rub in how amazingly glorious the two weekends prior were. In fact it was so nice out that cultural barriers were broken and new levels of Dolores Park fashion were achieved. I present to you, Jorts: ON DEMAND.

Not wanting to waste any material, the excess denim was then distributed and refashioned into headbands.

Denim chokers: the hot item for Spring 2k11?

So, What Happens When You Go To The SF Mixtape Society?

It’s a rainy day. Heavy and gray. There’s the Mixtape Society today. You had fun at the last one. You don’t feel like going today, though. You go anyway.

Then, you bundle up like a puddleduck. You walk, smoking wet cigarettes, towards the Makeout Room. It’s quiet but cars slosh through the streets. Doppler effect. Low to high to low pitched sloshing.

Then, you walk into the bar and take off your hood. It’s dark inside the bar. It's bright outside.

Then, you order a beer. You talk to the other people. They don't have beers. You finish yours and order another. You start to smile a lot.

Then, you play kind of a Secret Santa where everyone swaps tapes. You’re called to the stage. You stand in front of everyone. You feel awkward. You give your CD/tape to someone else. Then someone comes and gives you a tape. Everyone swaps emotions.

Then, you meet a cute girl. You ask her about the tape she got. You think it is going well. You say something strange. She goes home. You won’t see her again. You see a friend you don't see very often. You think it's nice to see her. The room clears out. The event's over.

Then, a music nerd from Berkeley shows up late. He is really disappointed that he missed it. You feel bad for him. You trade him your mixtape you received for his so he can still play. You make him promise to come earlier next time.

Then, weeks later you remember you have a tape and listen to it at a dinner party. It’s really good.

The San Francisco Mixtape Society is having their fifth event this Sunday the 20th at the Makeout Room. It starts at 4pm. Bring a mixtape or CD, get a day buzz and debate the various merits of Jeff Mangum with other music snobs.

Uptown Guide to a 'totes alt' Valentines Day Weekend

TONIGHT: Heart Breaker's Ball w/ Cambo & The Life and Monophonics (Rickshaw Stop, SF): The “Two Best Bands Not Playing Noise Pop” are playing tonight at 9pm at Rickshaw.  Both bands are local, and giving away CDs to the first 150 people there.  $10 advanced, $12 at the door.  Show starts at 9pm.

SATURDAY: A Llama Walking Tour ('Secret' location in Berkeley): Sheep are totes 2k10. Llamas are gonna be huge in 2k11. Plus it's super exclusive (limited to 20 people) and the location is secret.  So alt.  Cost is free.  Link for more details and contact info. Chicks love llamas, amirite?

SUNDAY: Pop-Up Dildo Shop & Ice Cream Social (Fifty 24 SF Gallery, San Francisco): Dildos go better with ice cream. Free 'mini vibrators' to the first 25 people. Free ice cream if you bring batteries to recycle (preferably batteries you used in a sex toy, I assume). There's also a vague promise of free PBR. Over all, a whole lot of free in the lower haight; 3pm to 5pm. Link.

ALSO SUNDAY: Hoodslam FML: This is Real [A Love Story] (Victory Warehouse, Oakland): BIRDS WILL FALL! And blood will likely be spilt in the first Hoodslam bout of 2011. Oakland's only 420 friendly BYOB pro-wrestling event is back with comedy standup performances and sideshow freaks. $6 cover, starts at 6pm.  Ridiculous amounts of hilarious information here.

The Beard Is Back

Today SF Giants closer and beard ambassador to the world Brian Wilson made his triumphant return to Twitter. You may recall Wilson got himself into a bit of hot water two seasons ago with his first Twitter account. 

No word on how Kanye West feels about his new competition for most interesting tweeter or who advised Wilson to wear that horrible droopy condom on his head.

(photo of Wilson at Twitter HQ via Aaron Durand)

Matt Damon Wishes You Fame and Fortune

This weekend is your chance to crawl out of the cheap wine hangover you call home. And Matt Damon, with his angelic smile and stand up guy attitude, will be there to help you along to Hollywood stardom.

Do you really need to spend another sunny January day in Dolores park, swishing PBR between your cheeks? Your mimosas can wait a couple weeks, sweetheart. It's time to rejoice in the glory that is Matt Damon. It's not often that a demi-god smiles brightly on you. He is offering an escape from the burrito-loop of Mission lifestyle. The least you could do is show up.

As a bonus, there's a good chance of Steven Soderbergh shouting at you to take off your fake Ray Bans.

Requirements:

  • Standing around, not looking at the camera
  • Owning a pen
  • Mastery of the Meisner Technique, a plus

(via Fun Cheap SF)

Pink Pooch

I understand that dogs have gone from being a companion to a fashion accessory, but isn't this taking it a bit too far?  I mean, if we're all concerned with our hair products being tested on animals, then what does this say?  Worst of all, this dog was male.

But hey, every single person in the park wanted to talk to the owner and take a picture, so I guess the goal of herding up some love was a success.

Dying Breed: Jim Carrasco, Chronicle Deliveryman

Not Pictured: Jim Carrasco.

Postcards From SF gives us [ie: teh people of teh interwebz] this outstanding short look at SF Chronicle deliveryman and Tenderloin icon Jim Carrasco.  

Carrasco, a “character of the night” and self described “ghost dancer” (I think that means he's like 'Dances With Crackheads' or something, via Kevin Costner,) is one of the last remaining Union newspaper deliverymen in San Francisco. He's operated in the wee hours of SF for decades and knows the characters of the street well. He himself is a great character worthy of a much longer documentary. Kind of like a Geraldo meets Atari's Paperboy in a Tenderloin back alley, but with a sense of humor and more infected needles.

First Look: Blast by Colt 45

Back in October, it was revealed that Pabst Brewing's new douchebro owners were working with Snoop Dogg to develop a line of flavored Colt 45.  Everyone rightfully rolled their eyes at the obvious attempt to go after the controversy-plagued Sparks/Four Loko/fortified wine market.  After all, strawberry lemonade is anything but beer—it's a Juicy Juice flavor.  But we were able to get our hands on a case of the prototype “Blast by Colt 45” and, well, my expectations of this 12.5% ABV fruity monstrosity tasting like wolf piss were wrong.

A few of us took a few bottles to Dolores Park the other day to give the grape and blueberry pomegranate flavors a spin.  Honestly, Blast tastes pretty mediocre straight out of the bottle. Having it on the rocks helps, but the idea of drinking malt liquor on the rocks deeply disturbs me and makes me fear for the future of our country.

Finally, after thinking that Blast was merely 'meh', we decided to cut it with some 7up and, honestly, it made the booze the fucking game.  Apparently Colt 45 intends to start shipping this stuff to bodegas soon, but I hope for their sake they lower the ABV and put some more carbonation in it because if they do, it'll be a game changer.  The mix goes tastes just like grape soda and blue raspberry Slush Puppies.  The Marin Institute will blow a circuit over it.  Rappers in Ohio will be rhyming in the streets.  High schoolers everywhere will be getting alcohol poisoning.  It'll be fantastic.

When a malt liquor turns your tongue blue, you know know it's the jam.

To be clear, when I first tasted Four Loko a year ago, I thought it was proof that God loves us and wants our vomit to smell like rotten watermelon.  I drank Sparks by the case in college.  And I'm more apt to reach for a Sunkist than a Coke.  Perhaps that makes me biased.  However, all the other Four Loko fiends that tasted this stuff agreed: Colt 45 has upped the high fructose corn syrup beer game.

COOL KID TASTE TEST: The New Four Loko

You can blame my inability to take a decent photograph for why I couldn't get a shot of us ACTUALLY pouring the Loko into the glasses.

Last night, four (ha!) of the foremost (okay, I'll stop) Mission District experts on Four Loko gathered to sample the new, fun-free caffeine-free formula.  And, I'm sorry to say, it's pretty terrible.  Now I'm not saying Four Loko was great in the first place, but it was passable given how cheap of a drunk it was.  Well, it's still 12% alcohol sugar-water, so even though I was 'way gone' by the end of the evening, the taste was much worse than the original.  None of us could quite put our finger on it, but at one point, the words “acid” and “blood urine” were thrown out there.

Now, to be fair, none of us went into this excepting it to taste any good, so perhaps our perception of the drink was purely psychological, but somehow I doubt it.  Plus, I didn't want to go on a caffeine-fueled terror spree through the city afterwards.  The horror! 

Anyway, if you want to ingest 23.5oz of drunk fructose for yourself, head to the market on 22nd and Mission next to Popeye's.  Pick up some aspirin and an It's-It while you're at it.

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