Being Cool

The Mission Taco Circa 1936

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

When I first spotted Headline Shirts' Mission Taco shirt a few years back, I couldn't but find the stereotype of Mission hipsters over-the-top.  Hilarious, no doubt, but I've never once seen a kid riding down the street holding a coffee in one hand and an Apple product in the other.

Well LIFE recently published this 1936 photo of Dutch track racer Piet Van Kempen, proving that stereotypes exist for a reason.  Sure, the coffee is in a cup and he's not reading the news on a $499 brick of pixels, but just look at those pants.  Plus, his hair looks like shredded cheese.

[Thanks Jean Paul!]

The Brovasion of Dolores Park Continues

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

Man, watching these guys play beer pong sure was weird.  Felt a lot like spotting wildlife in the middle of a mall parking lot: on one hand, I enjoy a nice deer sighting; on the other, why the fuck is the deer eating cigarette butts marinated in gasoline?

It wasn't the beer pong in the park that was troubling, nor was it the improper use of a straw hat or the guy wearing his shirt as a turban.  Like my concern for the deer trying to make a new life for itself in field of concrete, I'm worried about the cause of these unexpected migratory patterns. Did someone clear cut UCSB?  Are developers bulldozing 'the forest' at Union and Buchanan to build a new Panera Bread?  Is there anything we can do to stop this wanton habitat destruction before it's too late?

For the sake of these displaced creatures, I hope they can evolve to digest burritos and marijuana.

Amazing Shit Everywhere

— By Laura B |

Just three gems I discovered while trying to take care of shit on the internet today.

1) How to/How not to take passport photos, a pictorial instruction from the Bureau of Consular Affairs. I want to meet both of these people just so I can shake their hands. Also, what if that dude's head and neck just looked like that? Hella racist, passport office.

 

2) Yo, Oxi Fresh has the best company name and a fake phone number. Also, that lady loves her clean carpet!

3) Finally, the California DMV knows you were a total nerd burger in highschool:

 

And so concludes our tour of the glorious internet! Thank you and goodnight! (I know it's 2 pm, I keep odd hours.)

This is What Happens When 'Bloggers'/Failed Musical Theatre Kids from Michigan Invade Your Coastal City

— By Jenny Wilson |

When Broadway kids Andrew Keenan-Bolger and Dani Spieler won some Lonely Planet contest, they were asked to create a travel video documenting their trip to San Francisco.  After watching this gem about 5 times I can attest that these musical theatre kids have a seriously distroted view of what a video with a “campy twist” means, what comedy is all about, and how to act in a production outside of “Perez Hilton Saves the Universe.”  I mean, isn't musical theatre the definition of campy? Hey musical kids, I know this might be a stretch for you, but can you make this vid campy, k?  You guys would have been far more successful doing a Glee meets High School Musical tour of the Tenderloin. And I'm sorry guys, if you're renting your trendy single-speed bikes from Blazing Saddles, you've already lost the game.

Does 826 Valencia Promote Plundering and Raping Women?

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

Some mommy blog has set their sights on 826 Valencia, the non-profit writing center and pirate supply store:

Would you let your kid dress up and play rapist? Murderer? Kidnapper? Armed robber? If they're a pirate fan, chances are you already do. And unlike, say, an outlaw cowboy (is there a kid on earth who's still into cowboys?), a pirate is not a rogue version of someone with a decent job. Rape and plunder is the very reason for their existence.

I've been one of the biggest fans of the pirate revival of the last decade. Loved Johnny Depp in the first Pirates of the Caribbean. I think the pirate supply store at 826 Valencia in San Francisco appeals to both kid and hipster parent like nowhere else. And it's cute that something so 1950s as pirates has seen a resurgence. A kid with an eye patch is so quaint — it's like seeing a kid in a coonskin cap.

The post then brings up modern day Somali pirates, asking “is this really a line of work we should be celebrating?”

What if you dressed your kid as a modern-day Somali pirate? With machine gun, hostage, bandanna … Seems pretty twisted, right? It would never happen. Well, just wait a few hundred years, it'll be fine.

Twisted, indeed!

Be sure to read the whole thing for additional comparisons to outfitting your kids in Nazis regalia, Al Qaeda-chic, and Darth Vader, the “genocidal maniac's” uniform.  [photo by Eli the Bearded]

Who Pooted is having a party tonight!!

— By Serg |

I don't know if you got plans for tonight but Who Pooted is hosting the Mystikal show tonight and a lot of special guests have been INVITED! 

 

I wish I was lying, that name is goddamn amazing

SF Cool Kids' Next Stop: Artisan Cigarettes?

— By Jenny Wilson |

Lifted from Almost Makes Sense

As we are all fully aware by now, SFgate is pretty much the cutting edge news source for anything big in the hipster community.  That's why unsurprisingly, they are the first ones to announce the next hipster craze: homegrown cigarettes.  From a breaking New York Times story that Brooklyn exsists about homegrown tobacco plants in Brooklyn, the Chronicle predicts that soon, San Francisco's American Spirit hipster smoking population will turn to growing our very own tobacco plants, under the guise of “rebelling against mainstream values.”  

Those whacky hipsters will do anything to be green and cutting edge! Actually, if you read the process that the retired police officer from Brooklyn (read: not a hipster, despite her rad flannel) uses to harvest her tobacco, you'd realize the process is long and tedious, much like dying of lung cancer:

She has to plant virtually microscopic seeds in trays indoors and then, weeks later, transplant them to buckets outside.  She waters the plants daily until they grow to be about five feet tall, with big leaves that droop from the stem.  “Like elephant ears,” Ms. Silk said of the leaves.  “That's why when people joke around and say, 'They're going to think you're growing pot,' I'm like: 'I'm sorry. There's no one mistaking this for pot.”

So, should NIMBYs get worried that giant elephant tobacco leaves are going to start taking over our community gardens?  I doubt it, there's way too much work involved to slowly kill yourself with these.

Previously on Uptown Almanac: 

Hot New Neighborhood: The Excelsior District

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

Today, The Bold Italic gives us an insider's look into Excelsior, the hot new Hipster neighborhood famous for being near the Mission:

When I decided to search for my first home, it quickly became clear that I would be unable to buy a place with the amenities I was craving in an established, cool neighborhood. I searched through the Mission, Western Addition, and Hayes Valley for a pad within my price range that included parking, a yard for the dogs, and good closet space (although I already had a fabulous little boutique, BellJar, to live out my collecting obsession, my purchases were still overflowing into my home). The results were bleak.

I started exploring other options. The Sunset? No one would ever accuse me of being a beach girl. Bay View? Too isolated. Then I found the Excelsior. Near a huge, gorgeous park? Check. Streets named after European destinations? Check. Located on a hill with a view of the city and a straight shot into the Mission? Check. This would be my new hood.

I’m not going to lie. There was an adjustment period. For the first time since living in San Francisco I longed to see a fixed gear bike or a tattooed girl walking down the street. Then again, I now had an entire extra room dedicated to my wardrobe and an in-law apartment I could use to house my records. I began telling myself, “It’s all about the Excelsior; everyone else just hasn’t figured it out yet!”

So what makes the Excelsior San Francisco's best kept secret?  Amazing breakfast burritos, ponds for dogs to swim in, and going to The Broken Recrod to talk about neighborhood issues such as “boys, dating in San Francisco, and how fabulous we looked in our fancy outfits.”  Well, my bags are packed.

Take the full tour over at The Bold Italic.

(photo by Eric Heath)

Previously on Uptown Almanac: 

Hot New Fad: Track Bikes

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

Woah, this was published in the Chronicle back in 1999?  That messenger has to be, like, 50-something now and taking heart medication.  How did the Chron possibly come to that conclusion way back then?:

Rebecca Tiller, bicycle messenger hot dog extraordinaire, has a new motto as she goes tearing around the alleys, parked cars and roadways of downtown San Francisco delivering packages. […]

She is riding the hot new thing in the world of bike messaging: a track bike, otherwise known as a crazybike, groovybike, or as some put it with grudging admiration, “that dumb bike only an idiot would ride.”

Of course, to Tiller and about 30 fellow messengers who ride these ultra-light, extra-fast — and, by the way, probably illegal — things, there is only one word to describe them.

“Awesome.”

Awesome!  Almost as rad as the editoral published a few days later:

TRACK BIKES, what a great concept!

San Francisco's bike messengers are zipping about town on a new breed of bicycle that goes faster than regular bikes and has no brakes.

And I think we all agree that the problem with bike messengers has been that they rode too slow and braked too often.

Actually, the track bikes do have brakes, but the brakes have a complicated, technical name — pedestrians.

All this sounds very familiar.  Also, if “that dumb bike only an idiot would ride” was cool way back in 1999 and already the scorn of haters, what does it make it today?

(photo via ahtbm)

Pages