Guys, quick! Let's prepare for Jesus!

— By Bailey Genine |

Okay, you've all seen this so I'm sure you already skimmed past it, but in case you're still reading, I'll provide you with some quick tips on how to prepare for Jesus, since, let's face it, you're probably not ready. If this lady is spending her holiday weekend asking if you're ready, then you're really not ready.  If you're still reading this, then I know, you're not ready. 

Basically one of five scenarios could happen when Jesus comes. 

1. Pool Party: Think back to Noah's ark. Now think about that “I'm on a Boat” song. Now throw in like 100 wild animals. THINK OF ALL THE PSEUDO HIPSTER GIRLS THAT WOULD BE ALL OVER THAT. You're so ready. Bring your ironic towel. 

2. Apocalypse: Jesus will dim the lights and say “it's about to heat up in here!” Then some crappy drum music will kick in and suddenly it's that dance party that you always talk shit about, but you really want to go to, but no one wants to go with you, so you just sit at home and drink PBR and talk about how American Apparel has really sold out, but you're still wearing their clothes because, dude, you bought it before they sold out, and your parents haven't given you money in a while so you can't buy anything else. But whatever, heat does some cool stuff to lomo film so don't worry about the end of the world, worry about your next Facebook photo album.

3. Super Zombies: Didn't Jesus come back from the dead? Wouldn't this be him coming back from the dead twice? Aren't zombies totally hip and cool right now? This could be the next big iPhone app. Developers, get on this, you could be rich, but the world would also be over, so it's a toss up.

4. Wes Anderson Film: Jason Schwartzman could play Jesus and it'll show Jesus doing his little Jesus daily tasks with the Alec Baldwin voice over: “Jesus Son of God wakes everyday at 6 am to the Beatles 'Good Morning, Good Morning' because his first grade school crush once said “if you don't wake up to a good morning then you'll have a bad life.” He makes two eggs, fried, for breakfast but always throws one away. After he showers he brushes his teeth for exactly 15 seconds before spitting. He takes his coat with him to work even when it's hot outside and feels guilty about air conditioning. He spends his evenings looking up drink coasters online with The Weather Channel playing on his TV. He believes cats have a greater meaning, dogs are overrated and electrolytes are complete bullshit.”

5. Shower: I mean, Jesus is coming. That could get messy. 

I hope you took notes and I'm sorry for number 5, but I mean, how could I not go down that path?

How Good is Mission Chinese Food?

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

AS GOOD AS IT LOOKS.

Last night I had the pleasure of stuffing my face with most of their vegetarian options and HOLY HELL I WANT MORE.  Their vegan chinito (pictured) was by far the highlight of evening, with a strong second place going to the Lung Shan's Vegan Delight (mushroom dumpling soup).  It's pretty obvious they are still getting the kinks out of the system (some items were not available for order, delivery came much later then expected, there was no total on the receipt so TCB Courier had to figure out how much I owed them), but the food is still delicious and reasonably priced.  I'm sure in a few weeks when all the buzz dies down, they'll be at the top of their game.

I give them 5 out of 5 mullet haircuts.  (Ordinary would have received a 4 out of 5 but they get bonus points for animated ninja's flying across their menu).

Weird Fish Really Stepping Up This Whole Gringo Street Food Fad

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

Yeah the seitan tacos were delicious but LOOK AT THAT FUCKING BIKE.  Trash can, place to wash your hands, A FUCKING GRILL NEXT TO THE HANDLEBARS.  This motherfucker could cook my ass a tofu scramble during critical mass and never even need to stop pedaling.  All he needs to do is put some turntables, a kegerator and a Phil Wood hub with some Japanese cog on there and he'll become the envy of American Apparel burners everywhere.

New Jay Howell Mural Outside Kilowatt

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

Fresh from our “not everything on 16th has to be shitty” department, Jay Howell put up this mural about a week or so ago.  While I personally lingered around and didn't get a chance to check it out until Friday evening, it's absolutely worth rushing over now to see it yourself.  Colorful, wacky people with strange faces and great hair.  What's not to love?

Previously on Uptown Almanac: 

Grand Opening for Grand Coffee on Mission

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

Peep this: a new coffee shop just opened up on Mission between 22nd and 23rd.  Normally this wouldn't be notable, but the inside of this place is straight-up badass.  The owner took the old Grand Theater's concession stand and turned it into a small coffee kiosk.  He also reclaimed some redwood floors and used them to cover up all the conduit, ensuring that Grand Coffee will be a hit with the flickrnets.  No real seating in this place, but they serve reasonably priced Ritual Four Barrel and should have tea starting next week.

Go feed your addiction, people.

Treat St. Knows How to Throw Down on the 4th

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

Needless to say, I was inspired by the unabashed lawlessness on both ends of Treat St. last night: two simultaneous block parties of fireworks and alcohol with traffic not being let through on either end.  Desperate to learn from these black belts of chaos, I asked one guy lighting off fireworks how they could get away with it, despite all the police driving by: “This is Mexico, they don't fuck with us.”

Anyway, be sure to turn up the video to HD because it looks like crap otherwise.  Be sure to stick around for the grand finale.

Pop's Seventh Annual Tricycle Race: A Photo Journal

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

Winner of best costume and best facial expression caught on camera.

Unfortunately I'm an idiot and got to Pop's right at 5pm, so I couldn't compete myself. However, I was able to be a creeper and take 'mad photos' of the race.

Proving to be the Lance Armstrong of 24th and York, Tuffy won the competition for the 5th goddamn time.  Also, since I don't want to make your browser explode, I decided to embrace Flickr and upload all 55 shots there.

Five-time champion Tuffy showering the crowd with confetti.

Previously on Uptown Almanac: 

Trash Kan Klan

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

The other night my friend Caryn decided to blurt out “San Francisco trash cans remind me of KKK members” and now I cannot get the imagery out of my head.  A morning stroll to purchase OJ and Frosted Flakes?  The KKK is on the corner.  A late night jaunt to Dolores Park?  There is a KKK cookout in front of Mission Pool (pictured).

Because misery loves company, I'm sharing this tragedy with you all.  Does anyone have a better suggestion as to what these cans look like?

The Dangers of Stripping and Driving

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

Saw this wreckage from a grizzly 3-car pile up on San Jose and Dolores the other day.  The cops looked far too busy so I didn't ask any questions, but I can't help but wonder why the hell there is a pink bra hanging out the window and why there is puke all over the passenger side door.  Hope everyone made it out okay!