Party in the Mission Saturday!

El Rincon is now open again and the are trying to change shit around so that people can actually have fun there. Saturday some friends are throwing a party that should be plenty of fun, Shane King (Hacksaw Ent.) & B.Bravo (Frite Nite) on the microwave records and they got Chef Marcel banging out food. I've had dudes ribs and they were tasty so yeah holler at that instead of whatever boring your were going to do anyways. I'll be the guy there who smells like smoked meat, day time bbq and then I'm hitting this, should be a successful saturday.-

Protect Your Ashtray Full of Change

Well, this is a clever way to protect your rape van from petty crime: cover your smashed out window with a bed sheet claiming you have a guard dog lurking in your van.  Our investigation of the vehicle revealed that there was, in fact, no dog present, $1.73 in change in the ashtray and a really nice iPod charger.

Reader Review: B3

B3 on Valencia and 22nd is set to open next Wednesday.  Lucky for us, reader Lola, who I presume was drunk off pinot noir when she wrote this, send us this early review:

Tonight I happened upon B3, the newest, awesomest space on all of Valenica. These guys not only wooed me in with promises of wine and friendship, but they explained the secret to their future success: AWESOME ONION RINGS. Yes, we all know there is an absolute dearth of decent fried goods in this city of bloated food egos, so I'm beyond stoked for some good old fashioned perfectly battered fried onions. Also you can tell from this picture that these guys are serious about drinking wine and not just talking about it, so I for one am ready to share in the joy when they open.

The review also included a disparaging comment about Heart, situated right down the street.  What do you guys think?  Does Heart 'fucking suck' because of, as Lola put it, “their lame wine in lame mason jars” and “pretentious art”?  Are the Ben Davis-wearing burger geeks going to run them out of town?

REP YOUR HOOD Y'ALL!

I'm not going to lie, I love the fact I now live a city with this much hand gesture diversity as San Francisco.  What a nice contrast to a place like Boston, where every 'hood shares the same sign:

(via generic, who might have made this but I have no idea)

You + Me + Richard Gere = $$$

It has (more than likely) been well documented that San Francisco was hit hardest by the economic struggles that barely registered in the more exotic, booming metropolises of this country, such as the lush, resort-fueled paradises of Detroit, Michigan and Davenport, Iowa. Everyone here has felt the pinch in one way or another, from the rich man who has been forced to replace the dollar he used to put in a wheelchair-bound homeless woman's cup with a shame-ridden side-to-side head shake and a spritely dodge of her outstreched hand, all the way down to the other rich man whose weekly trips to Michael Mina just haven't been the same now that tough times allow him only the Russian osetra caviar with his three-course prix fixe meal, rather than the Golden osetra he and his mistress had grown accustomed to. The slumped shoulders of the insanely wealthy have nearly replaced the Golden Gate Bridge as our most iconic image and none of you seem to have a solution.

What you need is a really good movie idea to sink all your money into, San Francisco, and that is where I come in. My brain has hatched what, with your help, is sure to become the greatest cinematic achievement since The Land Before Time X: The Great Longneck Migration.

Behold:

The film stars National Board of Review Freedom of Expression Award-winning actor and American hero, Richard Gere, in the role he was born to play: CableACE Award-nominee, Richard Gere.

The film opens with a shot of 1999's Sexiest Man Award-winner, Richard Gere, walking into a laboratory and meeting a scientist, played by none other than Empire Award-winning actor, Pierce Brosnan. He has been unanimously chosen by the entire world to be the first person cloned. The cloning is a huge success, as people everywhere rejoice that they now live in a world with two Richard Geres. Quickly, though, two Geres just aren't enough. A GERE IN EVERY HOME becomes the rallying cry of the masses. Richard Geres begin pouring off the assembly line. It still isn't enough. Demands are made for more personalized Richard Geres. The scientists begin to tinker with their cloning device. Black Richard Geres, Pudgy Richard Geres, even the ultra-expensive Teacup Gere, begin flying off the shelves. The Geres soon outnumber the non-Geres and everyone is extremely happy to live in a world that is so Gere-centric. But soon the flaws in the design are exposed and the Geres begin acting erratically, most notably in their sudden desire to kill every living thing that is not Richard Gere. Chaos ensues.

The original Richard Gere, being the only one who truly knows what goes on in the mind of a Richard Gere, is called upon to defeat the massive army of Richard Geres. The next hour or so is filled with gratuitous violence, as Richard Gere dispatches of Richard Gere after David di Donatello Award-winning Richard Gere in a variety of innovative and humorous ways.

The climax comes when Richard Gere fights the leader of the Richard Geres in a giant gerbil wheel. Richard Gere kills him and then flashes that classic Richard Gere smirk at the camera. The movie ends and the title of the movie fills the screen:

 

FIRST GERE

During the credits there is a shot of a Richard Gere crawling out of some rubble, possibly opening the door for the sequel: Second Gere: Gere Today, Gone Tomorrow

Additional Notes:

- The movie is expected to gross over $18,000,000,010.

- The tagline for First Gere will be “Wish You Were Gere”

- The plot of the movie can be viewed from the angle of Buddhism, making the film about Richard Gere's struggle to destroy his dependence on “self”, or it can just be viewed from the angle of “oh wow, that was the best movie I've ever seen.”

- Saturn Award-winner Pierce Brosnan is the backup choice to play the lead role of Richard Gere, as well as the roles of all additional Geres that appear throughout the film. Richard Gere is the backup choice to play the head scientist.

- This will be a silent film.

So there you go, people of San Francisco, I have shown you the way out of your financial hardships. Empty your piggy banks of their blood diamonds and check under your couch cushions for trust funds, because You + Me + Richard Gere = $$$

You can send all investments in the form of cash or personal check made out to

Dylan Macturk

High Tide Bar, stool #6

Tenderloin, SF

Feel free to leave tagline suggestions for Third Gere in the comments and don't forget to add Bee Season starring Richard Gere to your Netflix queue.

Grub Finally Ditches the Brown Paper Windows

After 3 years, we can finally see inside this place.  Normally this would be a “who gives a fuck?,” but they actually put some thought into their tables and they look pretty rad.  Grub has basically positioned itself as the Bender's of fine dining (okay, that's a stretch).  Therefore, I am taking back my claim that I'll “probably never eat there” because I'm pumped to spill some wine on someone's creativity.

(Thanks Natalie!)

Apparently the 7x7 Art Department Smokes HELLA WEED

I love the new 7x7 website!  Today I went to visit one of my favorite 7x7 blogs only to find out that they 404ed that shit.  Normally the axing of their entire blog network would be news, but they upstaged themselves by getting the most confusing 404 animation I've seen to date:

7x7's mascot, Robby the Roasted Red Rooster (??), can't seem to fly for shit and hits a tree on the way to San Francisco.  Apparently Robby is up in Mt. Sasta because the last time I saw that much pot near a snow-capped mountain I was picking up a 62-year-old hitchhiker that smelled like he slept in cow shit for warmth.

How Long Does It Take You to Pee On a Mission Sidewalk?

If you answered 52 seconds, you're just a hair faster than this industry dirtbag:

This amazing, 720p spectacle is brought to us by Blowing It In San Francisco, which after a mere 2 posts has established itself as a fine San Francisco blog.  I mean, this is one epic find: it's some dude pissing outside of BENDER'S BAR AND GRILL while cars wiz past and pedestrians stroll by seemingly unaware.  During the motherfucking day.

Who said the Mission can't keep it classy?