Tiny Dick Syndrome, A Growing Issue

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

One of my favorite recent episodes of South Park when they attempt to redefine the word “fag” as “an extremely annoying, inconsiderate person most commonly associated with Harley riders.”  Perhaps it's a favorite because I had the particular misfortune of living near a Harley shop in Boston and tools would drive by my house all hours of the day.  Thankfully, this particular brand of douche had been a relative anomaly up until this summer.  For some reason, this gang of former high school losers has been obnoxiously parading around the Mission with increasing frequency.  Worst of all, their gang surrounds around the use of scooters with some of the worst emissions imaginable.  Anyways, fuck scooters.  Next time I have the urge to piss in public, you know where it's going.

(photo and title by @JeffreyDKoff)

How to be a polite neighbor.

— By Bailey Genine |

Letter from my neighbor:

Hey guys-

I know you just moved in recently- but please quit walking on your heels… This place reverberates every step. I would really appreciate it. It vibrates my whole ceiling. It's an old bldg.
thanks-
your neighbor =)

My response: 

Hey Bros, 

Thanks for the letter! I've always wanted a pen pal. I just wanted to come right out and say it, I'm a person. I saw that you requested I stop walking on my heels, but because of evolution, I'm afraid that's the only way I know how to walk. For your convenience I'm including a list of animals that don't walk on their heels. I'll even draw a chart to scale for you. 

Of course, right off of the bat (that's a saying, I don't actually play baseball), I thought of the velociraptor (of Jurassic Park fame).  They're a lot like cats, except for the lack of fur, whiskers, cute little purring and their tendency to play with fake mice. Anyway, dogs, mice, scarecrows, real crows, and sharks also do not walk on their heels/cannot walk/do not have feet. 

I hope you find this information helpful, and sorry about the chart, but I drew it life-size and I'm afraid this piece of paper only covers the size of a dog's belly.

Regards,
'Guys' <— I can't believe you already have a nickname for me. 

P.S. We're not really “bros” unless we are! Weird. Have you ever seen Star Wars?

Three people shot on 17th and Mission last night

— By CP |

You may have noticed a number of fire trucks, ambulances and police cars on the corner of17th and Mission last night. That's because three men were shot by a gunman who escaped on foot. Two of them were shot in the leg and one was shot in the chest. KCBS has the developing story. Police are still looking for the gunman. 

iPhone photo courtesy of Dolapo Falola.

Rough day for our neighborhood. Stay safe, people.

Los Rakas

— By Serg |

If you don't know, get learned. East bay Panamanian rap

How to Win at Dolores Park

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

This dude has single-handedly redefined what it means to chill in Dolores Park: hanging out by himself, dressed to best, lounging in a beach chair while strumming his guitar.  If he didn't bring home a gang of groupies at the end of the day, I'm going to be severely disappointed in humanity.

There's Something About Mary Sing-A-Long with Jonathan Richman

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

If you love INDIE ROCK LEGEND Jonathan Richman, movies featuring jizz in Cameron Diaz's hair and sing-a-longs, then on Thursday grab $3, your best flannel and head to Lost Weekend Video.  From the Lost Weekend Video email list:

The big announcement you may have already seen in the window of the store is next week's performance by local indie rock legend Jonathan Richman. Next Thursday August 19th, Jonathan will be in the store performing live accompaniment to the film 'There's Something About Mary' by the Farrelly Brothers ('Kingpin', 'Shallow Hal') starring Cameron Diaz and Ben Stiller. If you've seen the film, you may remember that Jonathan performs as a sort of Greek Chorus - providing commentary and transition between major scenes. On Thursday, Jonathan will perform this role live as we watch the film, adding bits that were cut out or never used. This is a one time event that will never happen again and only at Lost Weekend Video. Jonathan performs sold out shows around town for the big bucks, but on this night you'll only pay $3 entrance - mostly to cover the cost of having to close for the event. Drinks and snacks will be available. We'll be moving the shelves, so there should be plenty of room, but please arrive early as we will have to make sure things don't get out of hand. Performance will start at dusk, so doors should be around 8pm. It's going to be awesome!

(link) 

Yelp IRL: Blondies' Bar & No Gril

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

The one time I went to Blondies' was a Friday night this past winter* and the bar was full of dancing 40-year-olds straight outta Discovery Bay.  Not that I'm saying it was bad, but it certainly isn't the scene I'd expect on Valencia.  Aside from the odd scene, the place didn't seem that bad.  Plus, Ariel tells me they have killer Bloody Marys.  Well, this marker review seems to disagree with my takeaway.  What happened duder?  Did a cougar shut you down?  You don't like old people dancing to “Move Bitch”?

Three's Company: Marina Fist Pump Edition

— By Zach Perkins |

This artist's rendering is 99.9% accurate.  You would have to be a Michael Cera sized pussy to agree to be this pair's man-boy butler.

This Craigslist ad calls for a single, non-sexually active, financially well-off male to provide two fist pumping Marina girls with alcohol, carry them home while drunk, and cook for them.  It's also another interesting example of Marina kids choosing to involve grammar/spelling in their roommate choices.  

No deposit?  Carnivorous, alcoholic, busty nudist rommates?  An LMFAO reference?    

'Definitley' interested. 

 

Looking for young professional GUY roommate in 3 bedroom 2 bath apt. 
 
Room is master with bath included. $1,100 per month. 
 
Who we are: 
 
24 & 25 year old females 
 
Petite brunettes with a whole lotta boob. 
 
We share a bathroom, and sometimes shower 
 
Must be okay with female nudity 
 
Work in SF
 
We like shots, shots, shots, shots, shots, shots… and meat 
 
 
Who YOU are: 
 
27-30ish year old male 
 
Non-rapist, non-creeper, non-short, non pet owner, non ugly, non smoker, non druggie (this includes weed at home), non slut (girlfriend welcome, slut parade not welcome) 
 
Over 6’ tall 
 
Not the tallest of your friends 
 
Active and probably strong enough to carry us both home at the same time at 2am (think bis and tris like the Hulk, a smile like Cristiano Ronaldo) 
 
A college graduate 
 
EMPLOYED (9-5 regular job, no moonlighting) 
 
Able to spell the word “definitely” 
 
Like buying us alcohol and getting us drunk 
 
An overall real good time 
 
Roommate Questions: 
 
1) Word association: 
G 
 
2) Fill in the blank 
___HOT*___ Carl [*editor's note]
 
3) Multiple choice: 
-Music 
-Dancing 
-Dancing to music 
 
4) True or False, you know how to cook without using the microwave: 
 
5) You will fill our DVR with: 
a. Sports 
b. Whale Wars 
c. Jersey Shore 
d. Porn 
 
6) Do you listen to nature noises at night? 
 
***SEND picture with response (we ARE using the checklist above) 
 
***All submissions will be considered*** 
Previously on Uptown Almanac: 

Erie St. Banksy Mural "Censored"

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

When a group of artists proposed to “finish” the mural Banksy “started,” many were quick to call bullshit.  I personally thought this was a classic case of capitalizing off other people's work but, hey, it was a better proposition than just painting over Banksy's “vandalism.”  Well, Blouz is reporting that the building owner, clearly a connoisseur of the arts, complained about the contents of the surrounding mural and ordered it to be covered up.  That's right boys and girls, mushrooms are too offensive for the mural designed to profit off of/protect Banksy's spraypaint for years to come.  Hats off to everyone on this one; the cacophony of dots really elevated the aesthetic quality of this wall.

(link)

Previously on Uptown Almanac: