Sierra and Sam are easily Uptown Almanac's least favorite contributors, so you're looking for another reason to loathe Sam or Sierra, look no further.
In this episode of SFC, the two best friends share their tale of devotion, deceit, and the pains of being a young renter in San Francisco. Through their incriminating tale, both kids are exposed as the no-good, lying sacks of shit that they are. Enjoy!
If you have a story you'd like to tell, be it funny, sad, hopeful, poetry, or just plain crude, drop us a line at sfcpod@gmail.com. You can also find SFC on iTunes.
Show Credits:
- Daniel Jarvis (Producer, Editor)
- Sierra Frost (Story, Music Curation)
- Sam Bartos (Story, Lies)
- Marie McIntosh (Story)
Previously on Uptown Almanac
TK recently emerged from his blog retirement (or "blogtirement", as no one in the industry calls it) to grace us with this fine Bush-era breakdown of the visual and physical terror associated with San Francisco weather.
Expect orange to red side effects to persist until Thursday.
Recently, economic turmoil coupled with a lack of congressional bipartisanship has caused an downward financial slope for government subsidized programs, most recently manifested in an act known as 'sequestration'. It's not great. Lots of programs are losing money, lots of people are losing their jobs, and Congress has an approval rating somewhere in the vicinity of the Val Kilmer Batman movie (topical reference).
That being said, it's not like the effects of sequestration are all bad. From NBC Bay Area:
The U.S. Navy's Blue Angels announced on Tuesday that because of federal budget cuts and sequestration, the entire 2013 season has been canceled.
The Blue Angels were scheduled to appear in San Francisco during Fleet Week in October. The event is still scheduled to go on, but the Blue Angels were arguably the biggest draw.
Despite what your views on patriotism are, there are no doubt that the Blue Angels are just the absolute fucking worst. They spend the entire week performing over the city, shaking buildings by being very fast and aerodynamic jerkoffs. An unnecessary pollutant the tranquil skies of our oh-so-cherished microclimate, the Blue Angels only function is clogging the bridges and roads with a massive influx of North Bay, Coolpix camera-wielding tourists.
So if a few bus drivers and other city employees lose their jobs, so be it. I full-heartedly embrace sequestration. It enables us to spend one extra week of the year not having to jump under our desks in a Cold War-style bomb drills. Except for every Tuesday at noon.
Go Congress! 6 more years!
Previously on Uptown Almanac
Gray sends us this alluring photo of a crowded refrigerator and a quick review of Evil Twin's unfortunately named Mission Hipster Ale: "It's like a typical Dolores kid: brightly colored, proud on the outside, but somewhat boring and bitter on the inside."
(For what it's worth, the brewery describes their creation a bit more favorably: "This super-exclusive, counter-culture pale ale is dedicated to ‘The Mish’ aka Mission District in San Francisco. It’s an homage to skinny jeans, tote-bags, fixie bikes with drop handlebars and Dolores Park.")
Anyway, if you're looking for some somewhat boring and bitter beer, you can grab a pack at City Beer Store in San Francisco's 'NoMi' aka North of the Mission neighborhood.
According to ABC 7, a bystander was critically shot by police around 2 a.m. Sunday morning after a fight broke out between people leaving Elbo Room:
"One of the men pulled a gun on the group. Citizens ran into the parking lot at Mission Station, calling the attention of the officers that somebody had pulled a gun on the group," said [Police Chief Greg Suhr].
"In fearing that the folks were going to be either shot or killed, they fired upon the suspect, striking the suspect. We don't know the circumstances, but another person was also hit by the gunfire," said Suhr.
Both men were taken to San Francisco General Hospital in critical condition. During the investigation, there were 15 orange circles with numbers drawn on the ground indicating where the shells fell from the shots one of the officers fired. When officers recovered the suspect's gun, they discovered it was not a gun, but an air-powered weapon.
Despite the park's praised reputation as a boundless off-leash dog park and enhanced adult recreation emporium, a lone neighbor wants to further delay Dolores Park's already drawn-out renovation project. For The Children.
According to an appeal filed last week by Dr. Claudia Praetel, the planned two off-leash dog play areas "are by no means acceptable to many families with school-aged children who are using this park." She elaborates:
Serious concern for loss of open space for children: Dolores Park is adjacent to 2 schools and has more than 8 other schools near by - desperate need for open space for children to run and play in order to stem childhood obesity pandemic.
The Mission has a very high to higher density of children aged 6-12 per net acre, a large park with open space is paramount to their healthy development in an inner city setting, were other parks may not be accessible to them.
That's right, with dozens of pugs let loose across the park, our so-called future won't have space to beat back their looming rotundity. The only way to spare their waistlines is to hold up the entire park renovation.
Or, at least, that's the claim.
The appeal is willfully oblivious to the park's current popularity--as if blocking the renovation and a second "legal" off-leash dog area with it will magically disperse the hundreds of adultish people littered about daily. But even so, no matter how wildly absurd the protest is, the city has to take it seriously.
"Unfortunately, right before the deadline, an appeal was filed of the Mitigated Negative Declaration for the Dolores Park project," a legislative aide to Supervisor Wiener wrote Friday. "This triggers a hearing at the Planning Commission and could delay consideration of the project by the Recreation and Parks Commission. A further appeal is then possible to the Board of Supervisors."
What's even worse is this loner appellant could effectively derail the community-driven consensus redesign process; one that involved dozens--if not hundreds--of park users over the course of two years, specifically to avoid leaving anyone out.
"Did we not have an exhaustive community process to try and settle this? Now 'a concerned citizen' will hold up the much needed and truly vetted Dolores Park renovation," Robert Burst, co-founder of Dolores Park Works, told us.
"This is not democracy, it's harassment."
Below, the entirety of the appeal's text, for your amusement and grief:
Previously on Uptown Almanac
I updated my website, so now you can order my new books (please, thank you) and read Missed Connections! 
The original post was good enough on it's own for a comic, but then I noticed these three Missed Connections that had been posted immediately beforehand:
The internet is a lonely place. But seriously, buy my comic books.
Previously on Uptown Almanac
Renowned film critic and one-time Uptown Almanac commenter Roger Ebert passed away earlier today. A sad day for movie-buffs, journalists, and American culture alike. But in keeping true to its instantaneous, flash-in-the-pan fashion, Twitter has stepped through the grieving process with unparallelled quickness:
1. Denial
no not ebert. no no no.
— Lisa (@lisatook) April 4, 2013
oh no, not ebert :[
— stephanie vacher (@awesome) April 4, 2013
2. Praise
The death of Roger Ebert closes an era. No other single person did so much to define popular dialogue about cinema.
— Russ Fischer (@russfischer) April 4, 2013
What a fucking great example of a life well lived. Thank you, @ebertchicago. May you live forever in everyone you inspired.
— Mike Monteiro (@Mike_FTW) April 4, 2013
3. Viral Lift
Roger Ebert on Battlefield Earth is one of the most hilarious things you'll ever read. fm4.fm/10vYaGO
— Farhad Manjoo (@fmanjoo) April 4, 2013
Young Roger Ebert twitter.com/pourmecoffee/s…
— pourmecoffee (@pourmecoffee) April 4, 2013
4. Self-Congratulation
Officially the least-polarizing death in the history of Twitter.
— Tim Murphy (@timothypmurphy) April 4, 2013
It's nice to see Twitter flooded with appreciation for someone who's passed away rather than just puns about their name and work.
— Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman) April 4, 2013
5. Jose Canseco (inevitably)
Previously on Uptown Almanac
Rhiannon was on the scene to witness the daring attempt to save a bike:
A motorcycle gas tank caught fire and the dude disassembled his tank, carried it, flaming, across 26th at South Van Ness. Then he tried to stamp it out until a day laborer ran up with a fire extinguisher. It was bitchin'
Bitchin!
When future generations of American schoolchildren look back at 2012 in their history ebooks, San Francisco's greatest achievement will undoubtedly be remembered as Lyft's pink mustache--perhaps the most significant leap forward in automobile anthropomorphism since Lindsey Lohan sniffed her way inside Herbie the Love Bug back in 1969. But we aren't living in 1969, my friends. This is bronze age of iterative disruption, and Muni has taken Lyft's fist-bumpin' badge of whimsy and pivoted it into a sinister, alien-eyed autobus frontage.
That's right. Behold the future of Muni: these are the new electrohybridfuturebuses you'll be spending your anxiety-filled commutes in for the next 10-15 years, and oh how evil they look.
But it's a marvelous improvement, really. And when you consider the driver of said alien-eyed autobus won't welcome you with a fist-bump, but instead a glare and mumbled obscenity, pehaps Muni's newly personified face is a fitting representation the entire system.
[Photo by munidave | via Streetsblog]
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