I'd like to share a story from the other day. It was a nice day. A little windy but nice. It was Friday. I have a little routine that I like to do on Friday afternoons: I take my phone to Dolores Park with a bottle of MD20/20 (I like Red Grape) and answer all the emails I ignored over the week. Afterwards I go black out at a bar. So anyway, I finished up pregaming in the sun and was crossing Dolores to go to Valencia and this total cunt of a lady (who I sure is nice and was just having a bad day but FUCK HER) barrels through the intersection in her stupid green Prius honking at me and not slowing down even though i'm in the middle of the road. She came within 18 inches of hitting me... close enough for me to spit on her car, scream "you crazy bitch" and give her rear bumper a little love tap with my bike.
Anyway, the point is this:
- that intersection is a fucking death trap waiting to happen
- fuck Noe Valley
- fuck priuses
- fuck the city for taking 13 years to get anything done
- fuck the dolores park bathrooms
- I need to get laid for the first time in 13 and a half months, get drunk and calm down
So yeah, give me a fucking set of stop signs or I'm motherfucking doing it myself. That's right, I'm willing to actually contribute my time to making this world a better place (for myself, fuck the rest of you). My stop signs will be made with stolen plywood, some spraypaint and pure distain. They'll also look like Janet Reno's face but that's what you get when functional alcoholics do what the city should have done years ago.
Also, if anyone wants to help make these stop signs, I'll totally give you a beer and let you play with my chainsaw*. Holler in the comments and I'll get in touch (not until Friday thou).
* that isn't a sexual thing
Natalia, previously documented swinging over a lake in Dolores Park, recently "ate shit" while racin' bikes. Luckily Nick Gaetano was on the scene to record the romanic spill.
Previously on Uptown Almanac
I fucking love the nightly news. First of all, they have nothing legitimate to report on so they have a 2:21 segment on an aggressive deer attacking some snowflake and her two dogs. THEN THEY SEND A REPORTER TO COVER THE STORY LIVE ON LOCATION. Then we find out the the deer kicked the women and "ripped her shirt off." I'm only 52 seconds into the video and I've already orgasmed.
Let me recap:
- ass kicking
- topless milf
Thank you rabies.
I was told by someone who saw it happen that a guy went down on his motorcycle, got up and walked away and it burst into flames. When I showed up the firefighters were already there dousing all the fun.
Previously on Uptown Almanac
Since conflict of interest is already my middle name, I want to alert you all to an excellent bakesale happening this Saturday (TOMORROW) in front of Herbivore on Valencia from 11 am to 4 pm. All the money goes to help save highly endangered mountain Gorillas in DR Congo's Virunga National Forest and to Wildcare, an awesome wildlife hospital and education center in San Rafael. Seriously, if you find any injured animals in the bay area, take them to Wildcare unless you want them to be gassed or get subpar shitty care somewhere else.
ANYWAY, we're gonna have all sorts of ridiculously delicious shit there, including mountains of cupcakes, chocolate covered caramels, and pickled cauliflower. Yep. See you sluts there!
I was shopping for a product that would make this girl I creep on "wicked impressed" with how deep and artistic I am, so naturally I turned to Moleskine journals. Well, apparently if I eat my journal (no evidence!) or rub it against my junk I'll get cancer and have two-headed sperm. WHAT? Also, since when do Moleskine nerds buy Sarah Palin books? Did Barnes & Noble just associate "birth defects" to Sarah Palin? Oh B&N...