Rarely do we here at Uptown Almanac get truly excited about a new product being sold in San Francisco, but rarely is such a product "the most hipster beer in the world."
Oh yes. Starting this month, Churchkey Can Co., the new beer from Entourage mega-hunk Adrian Grenier and "some dude who used to work at Nike," will "rollout" to the Bay Area following a couple months of intense product incubation in the drunk and rainy cities of Portland and Seattle.
However, its appeal isn't coming from its association with actors, its army of Facebook and Zynga executive investors, nor its nice, instagrammy script title font on the side of every steal can. Rather, it's gaining steam in the tech press because everyone is clamoring for its hot new vintage 1930s-era can design that requires you to open the lid with a primitive tool known as a "church key".
"Church key?," you ask? Well, here's a promotional video teaching all you "dumb young fucks" how to open a real beer:
Of course, even to the most casual observer, this looks extremely similar to Miller Lite's latest gimmick, in which you "crack open your brew" with Very Manly Objects like wrenches, shark teeth, fishing lure, dice, and the reservoir tip of a filled condom:
Miller Lite's competing product aside, this new old product is going to fuck up the beer industry as we know it. Just read this objective press release posted on TechCrunch about TechCrunch's investment in the product:
After a short beer tasting hosted by CrunchFund founder and former TechCrunch editor Michael Arrington, the obvious first question asked by Siegler, who is also an investor in the company through CrunchFund, was about why there is a beer company at Disrupt and why tech investors are interested in investing in a beer company. Churchkey, Siegler noted, had one of the best pitch decks he had ever seen. Investing in Churchkey, he said, was an easy choice because it has the potential to disrupt the beer industry with its new design.
So get ready, San Francisco. You best be freeing up some room on your carabiner for some church keys.